


Labyrinth

by onlyhans



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bang Chan is a Little Shit, Drugs, Drugs drugs drugs drugs drugs have I made myself clear, Friends With Benefits, Han Jisung | Han is a Good Friend, Hwang Hyunjin Needs a Hug, Hwang Hyunjin is a Mess, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Lee Felix is Bad at Feelings (Stray Kids), Lowkey inspired by euphoria, M/M, So drugs, There's A Tag For That, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, mentions of haikyuu but I've never actually finished watching it so like oops no spoilers tho lol, mentions of sex but nothing explicit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26819749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyhans/pseuds/onlyhans
Summary: Hyunjin really didn't know what to expect going into his sophomore year of college. Avoiding the past could only do so much for him.. especially when it slowly began repeating itself, brought on by a pretty smile and that stupid peachy hair.Alternatively:Hwang Hyunjin had a good life, up until he met Lee Felix -- or so it seemed.
Relationships: All ships are freeform and up to interpretation tbh, Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Past Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin
Comments: 36
Kudos: 56





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyy it's my first time posting anything on ao3 ksbskdbsks so I'm just figuring out how stuff works bear with me 😌✨ but yes 🌚 a Hwang Hyunjin corruption fic lesssgo

If he were to look back on it, try and pinpoint exactly when it all started -- Hwang Hyunjin would have to go with the summer before his sophomore year of college.

Before then, Hyunjin was -- as boring and cliche as it sounded --  _ good _ . He followed all his parents' regulations, with only the occasional complaint when his younger sister evaded those same rules -- he never saw any need to stray from them. Most of his friends throughout highschool had parents just as strict as his own, and Hyunjin entered his first year of college, proud to say that he'd never even seen so much as a vape up close. 

Not that he'd never thought about it before.

Those brownies Chan's cousin brought over one time -- he wasn't dumb; nobody in their right mind puts  _ basil _ in a fudgy dessert. And Hyunjin had resisted the urge to take a tiny bite all night, and if he'd been more like Chan, he might've done just that.

So maybe Hwang Hyunjin wasn't completely innocent from the start, but in all honesty, he wouldn't have even left his house that summer if it were up to him. Unfortunately, being the  _ good _ older brother had its downsides, and he was immediately roped into being a counselor for the camp his sister wanted to go to, almost as soon as he stepped through the door, exhausted from finals.

"It'll be good to get out," they said after a week of Hyunjin watching Netflix in his darkened and empty bedroom. "Bond with your sister again, make some new friends."

_ Friends _ .

It wasn't that he didn't have any college friends. His roommate was pretty chill, always bringing back leftovers from his job at Olive Garden to curl up and watch shows beside Hyunjin on his laptop. They weren't super close, but Jisung was there, and he was nice, and if Hyunjin didn't know any better, just as lonely as him.

There was a chatty guy that was in almost all the same classes, and always walked to them with Hyunjin. Of course, perhaps Hyunjin was the only one who listened to his rambling. 

But he was okay.

And he still texted occasionally with his highschool friends. An empty feeling always settled in his chest whenever he opened their chats, however, especially when his eyes fell on one name in particular.

He sighed and clicked off his phone, staring blankly at the ceiling above him. Moonlight washed over the already pale paint, and if Hyunjin hadn't been wallowing so much, maybe he would find it beautiful -- like he used to. If he squinted just a bit, he could still make out the faint outlines of the many glow-in-the-dark stars he'd long since torn away.

Hyunjin rolled over, bare feet somehow finding their way to the hardwood floor of his bedroom. He hissed at the feeling -- it was new, really. Before he left for college, his room was still carpeted in that horrible magenta shade he always claimed to hate;

Yet another reminder of just how much had changed since he left. Hyunjin stood up and stretched, trying to ignore the pang in his heart.

Everything seemed to have changed, except for him.

His sister came up to his shoulder height-wise now, and though logically he knew it wasn't a bizarre occurrence, he felt like he missed out on a lot. And despite having steady, above average grades, Hyunjin didn't feel fulfilled in the slightest. He just felt lost beyond belief -- not that he'd ever let anyone know that.

His problems were his own to worry about. 

He was an adult now.

Hyunjin stumbled down the dark stairwell, fingers brushing lightly against the wall as he always did. Certain things about the house hadn't changed, thankfully.

Like the location of the refrigerator. 

_ That _ he could count on.

He pulled open the door slowly, as to not make too much noise, all too aware that his sleep schedule as of late didn't conform to the societal standard. Hyunjin fumbled for the orange juice, squinting against the light flooding out of the fridge.

There was only a little bit left in the jug… Hyunjin raised it to his lips and took a swig --  _ why did orange juice, of all things, taste heavenly at odd hours of the night?  _ His sleep deprived mind pondered that instead of the guilt that came with drinking it straight out of the bottle.

Hyunjin pushed the jug onto the counter, and his hand fell to the sheet of paper his mom always left out -- for groceries or something, he never knew. A small smile came to his face after mulling it over for a few seconds, right hand immediately going for the nearest pen.

Though he couldn't see anything in the middle-of-the-night darkness, Hyunjin scrawled out, in what he hoped was legible writing: 

_ New friends sounds nice, actually. Sign me up for camp. _

_ \-------------- _

Horseback riding.

Hyunjin knew absolutely nothing about riding anything, let alone a two thousand pound animal that could easily break both his legs if it so much as got uncomfortable. Still, he instructed the kids the best he could.

_ Why was he even there _ ? It hadn't been a smart decision on the camp's behalf to take him on if they knew he didn't possess the required skillset.

His answer came sooner rather than later, and in the form of his fellow counselors --  _ new friends. _

"So," a freckly dude with fluffy hair swung a leg over the bench beside Hyunjin, and though his head was rested against his arms, Hyunjin could tell the guy was looking at him with borderline amusement. "Rough first day?"

"Yeah you could say that," Hyunjin heaved a sigh, propping himself up to be fully visible to his fellow volunteer. "I don't know if you can tell, but I don't know anything about anything. I can't ride for sh—" he cast a wary look at this guy before continuing anyway -- he couldn't bring himself to care if he was sent home at this point. "Shit."

"Oh yeah that's fairly obvious," he laughed, easily running a hand through his peach colored hair.

Hyunjin liked that laugh, and he certainly liked that hair. The guy just exuded some vibes that he couldn't quite pick up on \-- he hadn't even introduced himself yet. _Peachy._

"Then why am I even here?" Hyunjin exclaimed, unsure exactly why he'd begun to smile.

The young man nudged his sneaker against Hyunjin's under the table, and he glanced down at it quickly before his gaze shifted up to Peachy's, a weird kind of emotion making them sparkle.

Was it mischief?

"In honest terms or professional?" Peachy asked, his shoe still pressing against Hyunjin's lightly. "Because professionally, we needed the extra hands."

"And the honest version?"

Peachy just stared at him, as though reading Hyunjin. 

"I'm Felix, head counselor," Peachy stood up and offered his hand out to Hyunjin, and whether on purpose or not, he stepped on his foot. Hard. Hyunjin reached out hesitantly to grab hold of his hand, and almost yelped when Felix used it to pull him and Hyunjin closer together -- close enough to whisper in his ear. "And in all  _ honesty _ , you were too cute to pass up."

If Hyunjin hadn't already been blushing, he definitely was when Felix shot him a wink over his shoulder.

\--------

Hyunjin never lingered too much on the question of his sexuality. From a young age, he'd accepted that he wasn't exactly like other kids in that sense.

He never particularly wanted to marry a girl, but he didn't see himself with any boys in the future. So he just waited, and waited. 

And the answer sort of came to him, Junior year of highschool, by the name of Yang Jeongin.

Hyunjin wasn't gay. He wasn't straight. When he told all this to one of his best friends at the time -- a kid a year or so younger than himself,  _ Jeongin _ \-- they googled it together.

Bisexual with a lean for guys sounded about right, and so that was what he stuck with all this time; even now, sitting at the back corner of a staff bonfire, the last few days of camp. He could ignore the pain he felt thinking of Jeongin again after so long, much more attentive to the fact that Felix hadn't been the only one eyeing him for just about half a month.

It was only at times like these that Hyunjin believed there might be a God -- because _thank_ _God the camp was only two weeks._

Hyunjin shivered, the cold of being so far from the fire getting to him. Perhaps it hadn't been such a smart idea to wear his usual T-shirt and joggers. His fingers went absentmindedly to his cross necklace -- a gift from a useless confirmation. The only reason it still held any value was for moments like these, when Hyunjin had to fiddle with something. He gazed off into the darkness of the distant forest, occasionally smacking mosquitoes away with a muttered, "bitch."

Then came that  _ laugh _ again. 

"What'd the mosquitoes do to you, hm?" Felix whispered, hoisting himself onto the concrete wall beside Hyunjin, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders.

With his peachy hair all ruffled like that, and the distant light of the flames flickering around his face -- it wasn't often that Felix looked so soft. He looked very cute at that particular moment.

"Sucky little itchy scum of the earth," Hyunjin muttered instead, frowning at the air around him in suspicion. Felix laughed again.

"I can do a mosquito impression, y'know?"

"Oh cool," Hyunjin said, trying to force interest into his tone. "Save it for another day, when I'm not getting eaten alive please."

"You're planning on seeing me again, then."

Hyunjin froze.  _ Well, yeah _ . Given all the awkward run-ins with his bunkmate over the past few weeks, it was a little difficult to imagine never seeing him again. "Um, yeah?"

Felix hummed. He looked smug, and Hyunjin scowled. "I already have your number, idiot, of course this isn't the end."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, legs occasionally bumping against one another. Then something warm draped itself over Hyunjin's shoulders. "What—"

"We can share."

Hyunjin stopped playing with his necklace in favor of holding his side of the blanket and looking at Felix. He wasn't shy about it -- there was definitely  _ something _ going on between them. "Wh—"

"Religious?" Felix asked at the same time, gesturing to the necklace and also unintentionally cutting him off. He glanced over at him sheepishly, and Hyunjin waved it away.

"Nah, not really," he said, completely aware as to how Felix reached out to touch the little silver cross. He really tried not to let his breath hitch, but it was way more difficult than anyone could have anticipated.

Felix hummed, eyes fixated on the necklace, which was undoubtedly glinting from the light of the fire. "And what were you gonna say?"

"Oh— uh— what college do you go to?"

And when Felix murmured the answer, Hyunjin almost leapt up in shock.

_ No way. _

Felix raised a brow at the look on Hyunjin's face, and he grinned in response. At the time, it was difficult to not smile around Felix. "Looks like you're gonna be a lot closer than we originally thought."

"Oh how interesting," Felix said, the hint of a smirk turning up his lips.

Someone called Felix from over by the fire, but he at least had the decency to shoot a reluctant smile towards Hyunjin. He even left his blanket for him.

And about halfway to the fire, Felix turned around, barely two meters away from him so he could whisper-shout his next words. "And I  _ can _ , by the way."

"You can what?"

That goddamned smile really was the cause of it all, if Hyunjin thought about it. Not that he wanted to think of Felix's smile -- especially after it stopped appearing so frequently. 

"Ride."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad people seem to like it!! I'll try to update more frequently now then

"How was your summer?" 

Jisung's polite voice cut through his plan of drowning out life in music, and Hyunjin pulled an earbud out and gestured for him to repeat the question.

"I asked," Jisung raised his voice from its usual timid octave, "how your summer was."

"Oh. It was pretty okay." Maybe he couldn't keep a smile off his face, because Jisung gave him a skeptical look. 

"Just okay?"

"Yep. You?"

"Yeah," Jisung looked back down at the computer perched on his lap, and something told Hyunjin that he was lying through his teeth. "It was good."

He looked over at Jisung, taking in the way he was wearing a hoodie in August, and biting his lip anxiously -- it wasn't any of his business. At least Jisung was back with him now, away from whatever was bothering him. He knew Jisung spent every other break on campus, so it really wasn't that surprising he hated summer. Hyunjin popped his earbud back in and stared up at the ceiling of his dorm. There were no stars there.

"I'm going to the gym," Hyunjin muttered, standing up and tucking his phone into his shorts pockets. "Want anything?"

Jisung just shook his head. 

Hyunjin frowned as he walked down the hallway. He knew his roommate well enough to expect a light snort and a "Sweat? No thanks" at the very least. It did take people a long time to adjust to life at the dorms and with roommates again, so maybe Jisung just needed some time and space.

_ I can do time and space _ , Hyunjin thought with a grin, spotting familiar and faded peachy hair at the end of the hallway. He didn't call out to him, since it looked like Felix was walking with friends, but it was nice to know he hadn't been lying about where he went to school.

He honestly wasn't sure if Felix was even serious about liking him -- maybe he just wanted a fling. Although their most recent text had been the day before, so… he didn't know what that meant. But Hyunjin slipped out his phone, his walk slowing to accommodate. 

_ Hyunjin: Look behind you 👀 _

He watched as Felix took out his phone, looked around with a grin that seemed genuine enough, and hung back from his friends. 

_ Felix: Well that's not creepy at all _

Hyunjin huffed down at his phone and turned it off in favor of walking over to Felix and nudging him lightly in the side. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," Felix said in response.  _ That smile. _ "Missed seeing you freshly showered though."

"Bet you did."

"Shut up," Felix rolled his eyes, continuing to walk ahead.

Hyunjin hurried to keep up with him, smiling harder than he had since camp. He really shouldn't like Felix, but he still found himself yanking out his earbuds in favor of talking with him.

"Where are you going?"

"Hm? Oh," Hyunjin started, smiling sheepishly in embarrassment for zoning out. "The… the gym."

"Ooooh the gym, huh?" Felix looked him up and down, and Hyunjin liked how that made him feel  _ validated _ in a way that he hadn't in a long time. Nobody paid attention to the middle child, and he never gave them a reason to. So if he squirmed a bit with any praise Felix gave him, it wasn't anybody's business but his own.

"Yeah. How about you?"

"I was gonna get snacks," he said with a laugh, his hair fluffy as always when he raked a hand through it. It was mesmerizing --  _ he _ was mesmerizing. "But now I think I might stay and watch you instead."

"No," Hyunjin whined, playing into his words as if it were a joke.

"Oh no, I'm serious, Hyunjin."

And with one look at his face, Hyunjin could tell he was. He perched himself on one of the weightlifting benches, eyes fixated on Hyunjin's every move. It made it a little difficult to focus on jogging on the treadmill.

_ Jesus _ , did Felix ever  _ blink _ ?

Even when he glanced away, he could still see Felix looking at him through the mirror opposite him. Hyunjin hopped off the treadmill with a huff, walking over to where Felix was sitting. He scrambled up when he realized what was happening, gaze still on Hyunjin, now spotting him.

"I didn't know you work out," Felix murmured.

"Mmm yup," Hyunjin grunted out. His sleeves fell down while he lifted the bar, and he had to ignore the way Felix glanced down at his upper arms. It really was a wonder he hadn't made a fool out of himself yet.

After about five more minutes of that, Felix exhaled heavily, drawing Hyunjin's concerned gaze to him. He locked eyes with Hyunjin, and gently guided the weight bar back to its rest. They simply stared at each other for a few moments, the tiny beads of sweat that were running down into Hyunjin's hair making him scrunch his nose up.

Felix was laughing, leaning over Hyunjin's head with a small smile on his lips. And then those lips were on Hyunjin's, the smile still there.

He pulled away too quickly.

He knew it, too.

Hyunjin scowled and scooted out from underneath the weights, and ran his tongue over his lips gingerly -- of course,  _ now _ Felix looked away. "What are we? Spidermen?"

Felix looked confused, and Hyunjin shrunk in on himself a bit. The nervous laughter was back. "Y'know. Because that was a spiderman kiss."

"Oh!" Felix grinned.

As they walked out of the room, Hyunjin touched his hair and grimaced. "Ugh I need to shower."

"Mind if I come with?" Felix chuckled, and Hyunjin's eyebrows shot up. "Oh no, sorry, oh my god it was a joke. ...unless?"

Hyunjin shook his head with a smile.  _ Felix. _

"I  _ can _ walk you back to your dorm though."

"Oh what a gentleman," Hyunjin said, feeling kind of exhausted from everything. Without thinking of Felix or anybody else, Hyunjin started flapping his shirt to try and cool himself down. A hand reached out to halt his movements.

"Can you please not?"

"I'll do it if I want," Hyunjin said, the heat making him more irritable. His attempts to catch the cool air had quite the opposite effect actually, as a moment later, he was being pinned against the wall by the shorter, pink haired Felix. He frowned down at him, confused as to why exactly he was being like that. "What?"

"I said  _ stop _ please."

"What's it to you?" Hyunjin spat, now positively glaring at  _ Peachy _ .

"Well I was trying to not do this because we're like, friends, but…" 

_ Oh. _

Felix twined his fingers through Hyunjin's sweaty hair and pulled his head down so he had easier access to his mouth. His warm breath fanned across Hyunjin's face for less than a minute, and then they were kissing -- different from before. Not soft, not sweet. At one point Hyunjin could definitely feel Felix tentatively graze the sweaty skin beneath his shirt.  _ That _ brought the chills he so desperately needed before.

It ended as quickly as it started, and Hyunjin was embarrassed to admit he chased after Felix's lips for a split second.

Felix laughed lightly, pulling away and brushing himself down. He smirked at Hyunjin for a minute, and started walking away.

"Hey!" Hyunjin exclaimed indignantly.

"See you around, Peter Parker!" Felix yelled, not even turning back around.

•÷•÷•

"Can we watch Haikyuu together?" Jisung asked shyly as soon as Hyunjin closed the door behind him, letting out a soft breath.

"..I'm all nasty right now," Hyunjin said, walking over to his dresser to rummage around for a change of clothes. "Maybe after I shower?"

"I don't mind if you're…" Jisung trailed off, and Hyunjin knew he wasn't trying to be annoying. 

"Maybe in a bit, Jisung."

Hyunjin looked around in time to see Jisung nod and fall back against his bed. "Did you not move at all the whole time I was gone?"

"You weren't gone that long…"

"Hm.. okay well," Hyunjin grabbed his shower supplies and change of clothes and walked over to the door. "I'll be right back. Try not to miss me too much."

Whatever his roommate said was cut off by the door closing. In all honesty, he just wanted to shower, and not think about anything. He didn't want to think about Felix and his stupid good kissing technique, or about how classes started the next day, or  _ anything. _

He showered quickly, and by the time he got back to the dorm room, Jisung was rolled over to face his wall, practically consumed by his blanket and hoodie. It wasn't something that happy people did in the afternoon. Hyunjin frowned in thought as he sank down to his own bed.

"... Jisung?"

"What?" The mound on Jisung's bed spoke, moving around a little bit.

"I wanna watch that anime with you. Get over here."

Jisung scrambled up, grabbing at his laptop and walking over to plop next to Hyunjin on his bed. He offered him a small smile, pressing play on an episode. It was all quiet except for the japanese dialogue pouring from Jisung's laptop speaker.

Hyunjin had missed this. 

"Who was it?" Jisung asked quietly, ten minutes into the second episode.

"Hm?"

"Who'd you get funky with today?"

Hyunjin almost choked on his spit, sure that his cheeks were as pink as Felix's hair when he shot Jisung an incredulous glance. His eyes remained focused on the screen, like he didn't just completely call out Hyunjin at all.

"How did you—"

"I don't think you do lip workouts at the gym," Jisung said with a small laugh.

That was more like him. Hyunjin grinned in spite of himself.

"Okay, well.. I met him at camp," said Hyunjin, voice uncharacteristically shy. "His name's Felix."

"Lee Felix?" Jisung finally looked over, brows furrowing.

"...Yeah probably."

"Hm.. and he's the reason why your summer was  _ just okay _ ?"

"Yeah."

"Interesting."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bro they're kinda gross ngl- 
> 
> Love Jisung tho 😔❤️ my babie


	3. Chapter 3

Hyunjin dreamt of Jeongin that night.

Jeongin laughing, a cotton candy held loosely in one of his hands, and the other intertwined with Hyunjin's. Jeongin dancing, and bouncing on Hyunjin's couch one of the rare nights he had to himself. Jeongin kissing him. Jeongin hugging him one last time before his mother dragged him away for the city.

He awoke with an uncomfortable pang in his chest and the smell of orange and cinnamon lingering around -- the scent of Jeongin. 

Hyunjin didn't even bother wiping away the single tear that leaked down his cheek, but rather rolled over to face the wall. If Jisung saw him like this… he just didn't want Jisung to see him like that.

"Hyunjin," his roommate sang, stepping back into the room. By the sound of it, Jisung had been showering. Valid. "Hyunjin wake up!! Classes~"

He didn't dare move, instead squeezing his eyes closed even more forcefully. 

"Hey," his bed dipped down, and there was a frown in Jisung's tone. A hand rubbed gently at his arm over his hoodie sleeve. "You okay? You're normally up before me…"

Radio silence from Hyunjin.

Jisung sighed. "...please don't make me have to pinch your nipples."

Hyunjin sat up straight. "Please don't."

"Aha! He lives."

"How do you know about.. that?" Hyunjin asked suspiciously, narrowing his eyes at Jisung. Hopefully he could distract him with his nipple talk so that he didn't notice the still-wet tear track.

"Oh," Jisung waved him off. "I have calc with Felix. He mentioned it to me when he found out I was your roommate. Wakes you up right away apparently."

" _ Oh _ ." Hyunjin blushed, using it as an excuse to bring his hands to his face and subtly wipe away the little sucker. "What else did he tell you?"

Jisung looked at him, eyebrows raised. "Nothing? We're not friends… he's— yeah we're not friends."

"He's what?"

It did look as though Jisung wanted to tell him something. Instead, he took a deep breath and patted Hyunjin's knee over the blanket. "We have class."

•÷•÷•

The door opened, immediately revealing a blissed out looking Felix. "Heyyyy."

"Hi? Felix…?" Hyunjin frowned, glancing behind Felix to see a few other guys sprawled out across his dorm. "What's going on, I thought you told me to come over?"

"Oh, I did." Felix stretched, a lazy smile growing on his face. "Come in, come in. What's your poison?"

"Is this a party…?"

"No, just a lil friend gathering."

"And your friends are…?" Hyunjin asked, following Felix into his dorm.

"Passed out or high, probably," he said, thought about it for a minute and then, "maybe both. Not dead though, don't worry."

The smell of weed and alcohol filled his senses, making Hyunjin shudder almost indiscernibly. He didn't know that Felix was into this kind of stuff, and by the smell radiating off of him, he was  _ really _ into it. 

His laugh sounded slightly slanted, and Hyunjin didn't know how to feel about that. 

"What? Princey doesn't like it?"

Hyunjin rolled his eyes. "Are you gonna introduce me to your stoners or what?"

"Yeah yeah," Felix sighed. "Hyunjin, this is Jaemin, Austin, and Chan. Everyone, this is Hyunjin."

The Jaemin guy offered him a wave, and the other one smiled at him, but they weren't who Hyunjin was looking at, frozen in place.  _ Chan _ . Without another word to any of them, Hyunjin turned away abruptly, trying to find the place Felix gestured to that had drinks.

"Looking for this?"  _ That voice _ .

Hyunjin didn't have to turn to know who was standing right behind him, holding a half-empty bottle of vodka over his shoulder. "Chan."

"Hyunjin."

"What's, uhh, what have you been up to? Been a hot minute." Hyunjin felt kind of nervous, honestly. Chan's arm was draped over his shoulders, tilting the bottle rather close to Hyunjin's lips.

He'd learned quite a while back that Chan had become bad news.

"Ah, it's pretty chill," he said, flashing his trademark dimpled grin that made anyone just a little too susceptible to his charms. Chan shrugged, "Have fun when I want, how I want to. Go to classes.."

"Wait.. you go  _ here _ ?"

"Duh," Chan leaned in, and it looked like he was going to say more, if not for Felix appearing just then.

"Back off," Felix hissed, grabbing the alcohol from Chan and shoving him away from Hyunjin. Chan slapped Hyunjin on the back as he left, and Felix slotted himself even closer. "You look like you just saw a ghost pissing," Felix murmured close to his ear, sending shivers down Hyunjin's spine.

"Nah, I just know him.. knew him."

"Oh? Okay then," Felix said, but his free hand told a completely different tale. It came up to grip Hyunjin's waist, almost possessively.

"Uh, Felix?"

Felix hummed questioningly, mouth too full of the vodka he was currently downing to give a proper response. Hyunjin was really glad he couldn't see his adam's apple bobbing, but Felix didn't have to know that.

"You're on something other than weed, aren't you?"

His hand travelled upwards to trace Hyunjin's jaw, and it was only then that he realized how sweaty Felix was -- or at least his palms were clammy. It wasn't an overall  _ nice _ feeling to have on his neck.

"Yeah… does that.." Felix spun Hyunjin around to face him, any genuine concern in his eyes masked by the haziness. "Does that bother you?"

"Depends," Hyunjin said, eyes narrowed. "What is it?"

"I don't.. honestly know?" Felix said quietly, brows furrowing. "Chris gave me it."

"Hey hey," Hyunjin shushed him, pulling him closer and glaring at Chan over the top of Felix's pink hair. "It's okay, okay. Did you want it?"

"Yeahhh," Felix giggled, breath hitching suddenly.

"What? What's wrong," Hyunjin asked, tilting Felix's chin up with a finger.

He honestly didn't expect a whimper in response, or for Felix to move closer and press against his leg.  _ Oh _ . His gaze once again slid over to Chan, who was smirking and giving him a thumbs up. Hyunjin fought off the urge to give him a much less friendly gesture, and instead focused back on Felix.

A sigh escaped his nose, "Okay, give me the alcohol."

_ Yeah. New friends. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this would be a good time to claim asexuality 😔✋ so keep that in mind from this point on. I hope I did the ✨tension✨ correctly despite literally not relating in any way to any of this
> 
> Ps you can think of Jaemin as nct jaemin if you want or not, cuz 😭😭 he shows up like,, twO times and his character is nOT really that important so I just chose the first name that came to mind


	4. Chapter 4

"Hyunjin! Haven't seen you in awhile,"

_ God, didn't he graduate already or something? _

Hyunjin forced himself to grin at the man who had just caught up to him, his bag thrown haphazardly over his shoulder and hair messy. "Hey, Minho."

"How was summer— agh I'm a bit late aren't I? That was, what? A month ago? Since school started again?" 

"Yeah." Hyunjin rearranged the books in his arms, eyes fixated on the packed hallway ahead. "It was okay."

Minho barely listened to his reply, launching into new conversation almost right away. "So I've heard you're hanging out with Chris and Felix now, how's that going?"

"... Is it that big of a deal?"

"I mean," Minho chuckled, bumping his shoulder into Hyunjin's as they walked. "You  _ do _ know what they're known for, right?"

"No?" Hyunjin glanced over at Minho rather nervously. It looked as though he were trying not to show how much he really enjoyed spilling such gossip, keeping the sparkling from his wide eyes and trying not to smile too much.

"Drugs," the answer fell out immediately, in a hushed tone, and Hyunjin couldn't say he was all that surprised. "Of course they're not the only one using on campus,  _ obviously _ ,  _ but _ .. I'm sure one of them is a dealer. Maybe both."

"... They're not  _ bad _ people." 

_ Felix _ wasn't a bad person.

Minho shot him a look, stopping outside of a classroom that must've been his. "They never start off bad, Hyunjin."

For once, Minho actually looked genuine, and Hyunjin halted in his steps, unsure of how to respond.

"See you at the party this weekend!"

_ Party? _

•÷•÷•

As much as Hyunjin begged and pleaded, Jisung would not budge. So he was on his own as he walked to some stranger's house, dressed flashy against the surrounding darkness of the night. 

_ Are you proud of me, mom. _ Hyunjin thought, a bitter laugh slipping off his tongue.  _ Going out, meeting new people. _

He paused in front of the door, not entirely sure of what to do. Should he just go in? 

Another group of loud, obviously drunk looking people around his age pushed past him and through the door, leaving him pressed up against the railing of the porch. He still didn't know whose house this was.

Hyunjin slipped in, and his ears were immediately bombarded by loud bass music coming from somewhere in the house. With a shudder, he hesitantly began to walk through the halls best he could, tiptoeing over people's sprawled out legs, and past couples making out.

He immediately wondered if Felix was there. Things hadn't been  _ awkward _ , per say, with them since he'd visited his dorm, but something had definitely changed a lot. He only got messages at odd hours of the nights, usually drunk, by the look of them. Hyunjin had gotten really good at reading through misspellings as of late.

Maybe Felix was like that all along, and just never let it slip in front of Hyunjin.

Not that Hyunjin minded all that much. As long as he was being safe and not hurting anybody or himself, he didn't really see the problem with drugs. It was all up to the person using, and their choices.

Hyunjin walked into the kitchen, scanning all the people in there. No one he knew, not even Minho. But there  _ was _ alcohol -- he could get on board with that. It wasn't like this was super illegal activity, he was only a year underaged, it wasn't  _ that _ big of a deal. Besides, he'd had alcohol before… at church, back when they went as a family.

He grabbed a cliche red solo cup -- one of the ones displayed all over in Hollywood and Netflix with all those shitty teen movies -- and poured some liquid into it. With the lights weird like they were, there was no way Hyunjin could read the label, so he didn't really  _ know _ what he was getting himself into, but decided to trust the system.

Hyunjin needed to go with the flow at least  _ once  _ in his life, right?

"Hey," a chin landed on his shoulder, and Hyunjin  _ knew _ that deep voice. His cheeks immediately went red thinking about the last time Felix had been this close, and his mind went numb. 

"Hi, Felix."

"What brings you here, lovely?"

Hyunjin turned around, bringing the cup to his lips. "I'm lovely, hm?"

"Yes you are," Felix said, jokingly saluting him. "I might say your hands are quite lovely too, but I'm afraid to scare you away."

Hyunjin blinked, and downed the rest of the cup. The burn of alcohol on his throat wasn't exactly pleasant, but the look Felix gave him afterwards made up for it right away. "You can't scare me away."

Felix looked at him for a few moments, and then Hyunjin felt a significantly smaller hand intertwine with his own. "Come with me," Felix hushed, "I wanna show you something."

He dragged Hyunjin behind him, back through the halls and up the stairs, not caring enough to dodge people's limbs like Hyunjin had done on the way in. He could've sworn he spotted Minho in the livingroom, dancing with someone who looked  _ sort of _ familiar, but far off -- like from a dream of some sort. It didn't really matter.

Felix tugged him into one of the rooms and pushed him back lightly -- Hyunjin got the idea he was supposed to fall on the bed, so he dropped down. He watched as Felix closed the door, finger lingering above the lock for a few moments.

"Do it. I don't mind," Hyunjin said. And he meant it. The only danger here was Felix and… if needed, he could easily overpower Felix. 

"No," Felix giggled. "No I'm just thinking."

He left the closed door as it was, and crawled into the bed. "So Hyunjin," Felix began, practically laying on top of him, knees on either side of his hips. "How do you feel about drugs?"

"I don't know," Hyunjin said honestly, eyes focused on the way the single lamp in the room made Felix's peach colored hair glow. "I don't really care."

"Mmm okay," Felix's hands were in his hair now, and Hyunjin closed his eyes at the feeling. "Well I guess what I'm asking is… wanna have a little fun?"

Hyunjin's eyes shot open, finding Felix's amused ones gazing back at him through the dim light. "What kinda fun?"

"A lot."

"... Okay," Hyunjin said quietly. What was he doing?

"And you're sure?" Felix asked, scrambling off of him and reached over to the side drawer -- maybe Hyunjin  _ did _ recognize the house, and so, by the looks of it, did Felix. 

"Yup."

It sounded like he had a cold, why did it sound like he had a cold?

Felix straddled him once again, and Hyunjin looked up at him, undeniably nervous. 

"It's okay," Felix said through one of those infamous laughs, bending down closer to Hyunjin. "I'll be here the whole time. It's okay."

Hyunjin nodded once more, and no matter how many times it happened, he could never get used to when Felix kissed him. It felt  _ really good _ .

Maybe something about them were different than with Jeongin -- a different kind of experience, feeling. With Jeongin, it was always soft and loving. With Felix, it was anything but.

He could have sworn the pressure on his hips increased, and the room suddenly felt much too stuffy and closed in. And Felix was everywhere. Hyunjin felt his hand brush a little too far up his inner thigh, and gasped into the kiss -- it must've been exactly what Felix had been waiting for, because his tongue slipped in.

Now  _ these _ kinds of kisses, Hyunjin was horrifyingly unfamiliar with. 

He wasn't a complete dumbass, though. He knew that something small, hard, and circular wasn't supposed to be part of it. Hyunjin made a noise of complaint, frowning up at Felix.

Felix separated them, laughing much too innocently for someone who had just demonstrated exactly the opposite. "That's your molly, Hyunjin,"

_ Oh. _

"Swallow it, if you want."

And Hyunjin did. 

He didn't know exactly  _ why _ .

He didn't love Felix. He didn't even know if he  _ liked _ him -- just that with Felix, Hyunjin felt something. Wanted? Maybe.

Maybe he felt  _ new _ . He was different with Felix, and that was exactly how he wanted it. 

Felix crawled back onto him, and just plopped down with a sigh. Hyunjin let a smile fall to his lips, arms coming up to wrap Peachy in a hug. "We're probably not gonna do anything," Felix whispered into his neck. "I don't wanna if it's your first time using— you might not be able to consent or something."

Hyunjin laughed -- he didn't feel any different. "Well I'm pretty sure I'm not high right now.. and I  _ do _ wanna fool around if you want to."

"Of course I want to, I always want to," Felix moved so that he could grin up at Hyunjin, chin resting on his collar bone. "Sorry, by the way, about last time. That was really rude of me. I'm sorry if you felt pressured, or anything.."

"Nah, I wouldn't have if I didn't want to," Hyunjin said, tracing shapes onto Felix's clothed back. "And it was really Chan's fault."

"I meannn I  _ was _ pretty fucked up before Chris even got to me."

They both laughed at that, though Hyunjin didn't know what to find funny. He didn't know how much time had passed, but his vision began to blur at the edges, and his fingers felt tingly. Felix glanced up, the corners of his mouth twitching.

"Hi."

"Hi," Hyunjin said -- his voice felt pretty far away. For some reason, he wasn't freaking out. Felix knew what to do. Felix, who was still on top of him.

_ "I can do it… ride." _

Hyunjin hated himself for thinking like that, and it looked as though Felix was a little surprised too. "Already?" He was smirking.

"Shut up you're literally sitting on me."

Felix sat up, propping himself up on Hyunjin's chest with his palms. "Okay then, I'll only do anything if you want it— I've already had something too so it's like… I'm not sure, but I'm not tryna…"

In all honesty, his voice was fading in and out for Hyunjin. All he could focus on was the little shifts that Felix kept making, whether on purpose or accidentally. His hands came up to cup his waist, and Hyunjin looked Felix straight in the eyes.

" _ Yes _ ."

•÷•÷•

Waking up the following morning certainly was an experience.

"Up, up," someone yelled down the halls, and a second later, the door to the room burst open and in walked Chan. He clapped his hands repeatedly, and Hyunjin moved groggily to cover his ears. The pounding in his head could almost overpower Chan, and the only thing bringing him to slightest bit of comfort was that he could feel his arm brush Felix's. "Get up, my parents are coming home later."

"And?" Felix asked from beside Hyunjin, voice hoarse and beyond exhausted.

"And I'm not cleaning all this stuff up by myself?"

"Let us sleep, Chan," Hyunjin murmured, eyes screwed up in discomfort. "You owe me."

"I don't owe you shit, you're the one who decided to get fucked up last night, now you both can help me."

"Chan," Felix said, and Hyunjin felt him sit up. "We'll be out in a few minutes, I promise."

Maybe Chan left then, Hyunjin didn't really know.  _ God _ , his head hurt -- his stomach didn't feel too great either. And then there was a hand in his hair, and a familiar tired smile above him.

"Hey, you alright?"

"As alright as I can be, I guess. " Hyunjin groaned, lifting a hand to press it against his forehead. "Does it always feel like this?"

"You get used to it," Felix whispered, leaning down and placing the tiniest of tiny kisses to Hyunjin's forehead, as if he could kiss it better. "Alright now up and at 'em. We need to get cleaned up and I'm sure that Chan won't wait too long so," he scanned the room, and burst out laughing. "This is  _ his _ room, oh my god. We can steal his clothes. Now come on, take off your old ones."

It was a process. They were all terribly exhausted, and cleaning wasn't at the top of their priority list -- Chan excluded. What maybe made it all worth it was the look Chan gave them when he saw them wearing his clothes.

"Give them back, you nasty children."

Felix actually went to take off his shirt when he said that, and Chan's screech was enough to send them all into fits of laughter.

Hyunjin stumbled back to his dorm, still thinking of Felix and Chan. Mostly Felix. It wasn't like he'd even seen him naked or anything, he was just… intriguing.

"How was the party?" Jisung asked as soon as Hyunjin got back. Hyunjin cast him a bleary look, and promptly fell face first into his bed.

"Hopefully not that bad then."

Hyunjin hadn't thought about Jeongin  _ once _ after Felix slipped him the ecstacy. He found himself smiling against the pillow, drifting off again. 

_ Not bad. Not bad at all. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter makes me cringe so bAD omg


	5. Chapter 5

"And how are classes?"

Hyunjin had figured out long ago that if he kept his family on speakerphone, he could do whatever he wanted in the room while still talking to them. So he sat on his bed, hunched over his laptop and doing schoolwork while his parents berated him.

It wasn't like Hyunjin didn't love his family. He loved them -- or at least he thought so. They checked up on him often enough. Jinny was always fun to talk to, telling him stories about school and boys and everything.

Nothing had been the same since his senior year of highschool though, not that it really mattered anymore. As long as he got good grades and entertained their ruze of having a put together family, everything was fine.

"Yep. Pretty good, I'm just finishing up an assignment early for Halloween," Hyunjin said towards his phone, which had been tossed haphazardly into the folds of the blanket somewhere after he answered the third ring.

"Halloween? I hope you're not planning on partying."

Hyunjin rolled his eyes at his dad's stern tone. He was being safe. He wasn't going to make the same mistakes as those before him. He wasn't going to ruin their perfect little family.

" _ No _ , I'm gonna stay in and watch movies with Jisung."

He shot his roommate an apologetic look, but Jisung just waved it away. 

"He's such a nice boy," his mom sighed. "Are you dating him yet?"

So maybe speakerphone had its downsides.

"Mom!" Hyunjin knew he was blushing -- he didn't dare look over at Jisung. "No no. Mom, we're friends."

He heard a small gasp from Jisung's side of the room, and glanced over there in concern. His roommate had a hand placed dramatically over his heart, the other one wiping away an imaginary single tear.  _ "We're friends?" _ Jisung mouthed, adding a sniffle into the mix.  _ "I'm honored." _

Hyunjin groaned and held up his middle finger to Jisung, who simply laughed in response.

They weren't that close, but Hyunjin couldn't imagine anyone else as a roommate anymore. He used to wish for someone more like Felix, but now that he had him… yeah Felix wouldn't be a good roommate.

"Yeah, mom, leave him alone, geez."

_ Jinny _ .

"Jinnyyyyy!!" Hyunjin scrambled to find the phone, holding it close to his mouth to screech his younger sister's name. He didn't know  _ why _ \-- it wasn't like they were even that close to begin with. He just felt like it.

"Whoa whoa," she said, "calm downnn."

"Am I on speaker?"

"Not anymore," said Jinny, and Hyunjin could tell she was walking. "I'm taking you to your room."

"Oi what are you doing in my room?"

"Not like you use it a lot," she laughed maniacally. "Whatcha gonna do about it?"

Truth be told, Hyunjin did miss her. He didn't get to spend a lot of time with her at camp, like his parents wanted him to. The summer had been filled with joking between the two of them, however, and dumb fights over food or how he barely left his room.

Maybe she missed him too -- being stuck with their mom and dad all the time, alone.

He cleared his throat as to not sound choked up. "How are you doing?"

"Ah, I'm surviving."

"Just surviving?" Hyunjin took the phone off speaker. 

"You know how they can be."

_ Yeah. All too well. _

"Anyways," she said, forcing brightness into her tone. "Have fun at your party later."

"What— how did you—"

"I have the  _ sight _ . Clearly. Now go get ready. Or whatever. Finish your work, I don't know."

Hyunjin laughed at that, and so did she, but the distance between them had never been more obvious. It's hard to stick together when one of them was far away from  _ home _ .

•÷•÷•

Weekends with Felix were way more fun than they used to be, back when it was just Hyunjin. Weekends with Felix brought relief from the rest of the week, relief from his thoughts and family -- Hyunjin didn't have to  _ think _ with Felix, he just  _ did _ . 

And he  _ really _ liked it.

All the drugs Chan supplied Felix with were recreational, and not overall that bad. Hyunjin didn't have anything to worry about in terms of addiction, because it was manageable.

Sure, in the occasional boring lecture, he'd start to drift off, thinking about the absolute  _ bliss _ using brought him. Normally, he could ground himself to the thought of the hangovers, but that was getting increasingly difficult the longer his thing with Felix went on.

Vicodin, weed -- he didn't really know what else. 

He'd tried a lot in the past month, except for the OCs offered to him by Felix, to which he point-blank refused. As Chan reminded him,  _ "pretty good for someone like you." _

It wasn't bad.

For Halloween, Hyunjin did decide to dress up. Why on earth he and Felix had decided to go as Lazy Town characters was beyond him, but fun nonetheless.

He didn't even bother asking Jisung -- when mentioned in passing, Jisung shut him down in favor of watching Christmas movies, curled up in his own bed; maybe add a onesie into the mix if he was feeling adventurous.

Jisung was weird sometimes, but that was okay.

"Minho, hi!" Hyunjin said as soon as he opened the door. Being 'friends' with Chatty Boy had its perks. Felix waved a blue gloved hand shyly from beside him, obnoxious goggles obstructing the view of his faded peach hair.

The bags under his eyes had grown a lot since summer camp, but Hyunjin wasn't one to point out imperfections. Besides, school was tough on even the most healthy young adult.

"Hey," Minho said enthusiastically. "Lemme guess… Sportacus?" He gestured at Felix, who nodded smugly. "Annnnnnnd….. god I can't remember her name, uhh— it's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake girl yeah? Lazy Town."

Hyunjin sighed, glaring over at Felix. "He's the one with pink hair! I don't understand why he couldn't be Stephanie."

Minho snapped his fingers. "Stephanie, yes! That's it! Now are you guys coming in..?"

"If you'll let us," Felix said quietly.

Minho nodded and stepped aside. It was pretty crowded, and Hyunjin grabbed the back of Felix's shirt as to not get separated. 

"You okay?" He whispered to Felix, no indication that he'd been heard.

"Hyunjin," Felix stopped before they could get to the kitchen -- Minho stopped escorting them long ago. "Hyunjin, can we just.. find somewhere to chill for tonight? I'm just.. I'm tired."

Of course Hyunjin nodded. Just because he was looking forward to being high, didn't mean he couldn't just relax with Felix. Either way sounded good -- Hyunjin had fun before he used drugs, he could do it now, too.

Felix pulled them up the stairs, and almost collapsed before even making it to a room. "Sorry, sorry, I'm okay I'm just—"

"Are you on something?"

"...no."

"You are," Hyunjin murmured, dragging him into the closest unoccupied bedroom. It wasn't that late yet, and people weren't super messed up yet, so most of the rooms were empty anyway. He wanted to get to the bed where it'd be comfortable, but Felix had other ideas. 

Felix sank to the floor, sprawling out like a starfish.

Hyunjin lay down beside him, and pulled off his wig, head rolling to look at Felix's side profile. "What are you on?"

"Xannies," Felix sighed, burying himself into Hyunjin's side. It was borderline sweet, in a fucked up kind of way.

And Hyunjin did feel slightly angry.

He was supposed to share. They did this together.

But it was okay, because Felix was tired, and Hyunjin could deal with it.

He stared at the ceiling. "Do you ever wonder if people still think about you," Hyunjin hushed, unsure if Felix was even still awake. "Like, after they're gone from your life?"

"Like dead?" Felix rolled over to stare at the ceiling as well. 

The gray paint definitely had glimmers mixed into it -- Hyunjin wasn't on anything, but the ceiling was definitely sparkling.

"No," said Hyunjin, "Just gone."

"Of course." Hyunjin looked over at Felix, who had closed his eyes while spilling wisdom. "The fragments of who they were are scattered all in you, uh, even if they're physically gone… like, I think a piece of them stays. I think it's part of you now. And I think you might do the same to them, y'know?"

"I guess…" Hyunjin said, "thanks for your sudden insight, O' wise one."

It was doubtful Felix heard; soft snores were emitting from his almost scarily still figure. But Hyunjin had listened.

He didn't stop thinking about that for weeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys 😭 I've never used drugs myself so like,, this entire book may be inaccurate so please don't attack me, I t r i e d okay. Seriously I thought I was gonna have the fbi on me after how much research I did smh-
> 
> Anyways random question  
> What's your favorite thing about fall?


	6. Chapter 6

"Mr. Hwang?" His professor called, her voice preventing him from leaving. He cursed to himself quietly -- of course she knew he was always the last to leave. Felix was waiting for him, though, and Hyunjin didn't really feel like hanging back to discuss how many assignments he'd neglected to turn in over the past three weeks. Still, he sighed and turned around.

Maybe some part of him was still a good kid afterall.

"Yes?"

"I don't know what you're going through at the moment, but… the grades are speaking for themselves. I've tried to give you as much time as I can, however…"

"... I need to step my game up or you'll involve my parents," Hyunjin finished for her, feet shuffling against the gray carpet beneath him. 

"Mhm," She said, leaning to try and catch a glimpse of his downturned face. "Hyunjin, I know you can do it. Figure out what's going on, and  _ fix it _ ."

_ Fix it _ .

Fix  _ him _ . He was the problem, really. Or maybe his parents were, for sending him to camp -- if he went along with that train of thought, then Jinny too was guilty by association.

Hyunjin adjusted the strap of his backpack and continued walking. 

Fuck college, honestly.

It wasn't any better than highschool.

He missed Jeongin. He missed Jinny. He missed… he missed Chan. Chan before, though. Not Chan now.

His pace increased until Hyunjin was practically running -- he didn't even know where he was going, or what street he was on. He just needed to get away, and he did.

Hyunjin ran until a house was in view, its porch step looking all too inviting. He sank down onto it, hands going to his sweaty hair as he breathed out hard. Somehow, he slipped his phone out of his backpack, and there he was, staring down an achingly familiar contact.

After glancing around quickly to make sure no one would yell at him, Hyunjin pressed the  _ call _ button. 

It did ring, and for a moment Hyunjin was filled with anticipation, and maybe even a little hope.

Then it went straight to voicemail.

Not knowing what to say, Hyunjin panicked and hung up.  _ Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupi-- _

The house he was at… he knew that house. Hyunjin hauled himself up using the railing, and held his fist up, poised to knock. He took a deep breath, and before he could bring his knuckles down, the door swung open.

"Mom, garbage day is tomorrow… uh, yeah you forgot— no, don't worry I got it." He turned around and almost hit Hyunjin with the bags of trash he was carrying.

"Hyunjin?" He whispered, somehow pulling the door closed behind him. "What are you doing here?"

"Chan, I need something."

"What the hell do you need now? I don't have another best friend for you to take, sorry." Chan said over his shoulder, smacking on some kind of gum -- Hyunjin's bet was on cinnamon.

_ Him and Jeongin always loved cinnamon. _

"I'm sorry, I swear it was an accident."

"Happened twice already, Hyunjin," Chan laughed, "you don't have an excellent track record." He swung the trash bags into the garbage bin, and turned around to face Hyunjin again, brushing his hands together to knock off the germs. "What can I do for ya."

"Got any… ᴅᴍᴛ?"

He didn't like the way Chan grinned. Not at all.

"Homeboy's been doing research huh?" Chan spoke, gesturing for Hyunjin to follow him. "Branching out from Felix now?"

"You're the dealer, not Felix," Hyunjin muttered with a shrug. Chan led him through the house and into his bedroom -- Hyunjin went red as soon as they entered it. The last time…

"Ew," Chan said at the look on his face, following Hyunjin's gaze to the bed. "Ew, my god. I don't want to think about that. It's literally my bed. Stop. Stop it right now or I won't give you your drugs."

Hyunjin blinked away from where him and Felix had  _ cuddled _ that one night, and back towards Chan, a tiny smirk lifting his lips. "I have money."

"And I have dignity."

"You sleep on a bed that your  _ best friend _ and I—"

" _ Stop _ ," Chan screeched, smacking his palms over his ears. "Okay fine, here," he fiddled with one of the books on the shelf, dumping out a few tiny bags of a yellowish powder. He held one up. "This is one gram, and it'll be a hundred dollars." Chan eyed Hyunjin carefully, "still sure?"

"You bet," Hyunjin said, pulling out his wallet with a smile.

•÷•÷•

_ He was so happy. _

It didn't matter whether it was real or not -- it  _ felt _ like it. He'd left Chan's ages ago, ᴅᴍᴛ stuffed in his pocket and foregoing the awkward exchanges with the family of someone who had once been a close friend. 

That was where things blurred.

He knew he stopped somewhere to do a line, but he wasn't sure exactly where. Vaguely, somewhere far off, he could tell that the phone in his backpack was buzzing repeatedly. His head spun, vision full of flashing patterns and illusions.

_ Safe _ . Though some obscure portion of his brain recognized that he'd broken his own promise, that he wasn't  _ remotely _ safe, he  _ felt _ like it.

That was all that mattered.

He felt safer and happier than he had since being in Jeongin's arms three years before. Felt better than even before Dohye left.

And it really was a miracle, in retrospect -- he leaned against a hard surface that just happened to give out under the pressure, and fell forward into someone's arms. They gasped, and helped lower him to the ground -- or at least he  _ thought _ it was the ground.

"Hyunjin?" There was a hand on his shoulder, interrupting his trip. He grumbled and shook the hold off, rolling over so that his cheek was pressed against the carpeted floor. Hyunjin knew that carpet. The tips of his fingers ran over the ground beside him, and it only made the tingling sensation in them increase -- a slurred giggle escaped him.

"Hyunjin, are you okay?"

The voice from beside him sounded distorted, and Hyunjin laughed again. A face came into view, but it wasn't a human face. He gasped against the prickly carpet, reaching out to touch the floating thing. "Math roommm!"

"Excuse me?" The multicolored fortune teller spoke to him, and Hyunjin ran his fingers over its mouth, surprised to feel  _ skin _ rather than paper.

"From Odd Squad," Hyunjin muttered, frowning when it morphed into something different. "Ooh no wait, uhh, Anonymous senpai."

"Oh my god, Hyunjin…"

He threw an arm over where Anonymous's shoulders must be, pulling them to the ground. Hyunjin nuzzled his tingling face into the crevice of their neck, letting out a satisfied sigh.

"It's me, it's J…"

Orange and cinnamon. 

Suddenly Anonymous wasn't so.. well, anonymous. It took the form of Jeongin. Jeongin? He held on even closer, curling up beside Jeongin -- the world felt like it was spinning.

It wasn't fun anymore. It really wasn't.

Hyunjin didn't know he'd started crying until a hand came up to brush away his tears.

"Hey, hey it's okay," Jeongin said, but it didn't sound like Jeongin. Maybe he'd changed a lot since Hyunjin last saw him as well. He cradled Hyunjin's head close, murmuring small comforts until he teetered on the edge of sleep.

"Jeongin… Jeongin," Hyunjin said, moments away from letting the darkness consume him. "I'mmiss you."

"I know," his voice sounded far away, and supremely un-Jeongin-like.

Hyunjin really should have appreciated his roommate more. He put up with a lot, but everyone had a limit. 

Everyone left eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're just going to pretend that's all accurate even if it isn't okay 😭😭
> 
> But hmm things are getting interesting 😏


	7. Chapter 7

"You fucking took psychedelics without me?"

Felix had been texting Hyunjin non-stop ever since his little  _ business trip _ the previous week, and for once, it didn't look as though he were drunk. Hyunjin had enough to worry about, what with Jisung being nowhere in sight after helping him through the worst of his hangover.

Was hangover the right word for it? After suffering through the aftermath of his little trip, Hyunjin passed out again, this time in his own bed -- Jisung's hoodie fit snugly over him, and smelled faintly of rain and candy canes. The thought of candy canes sent his vision spiraling for a moment, but he could blink it away easily.

But Jisung was gone.

Of course he came back; they lived together. It wasn't the same. What do you say to someone who helped you through your first time on a certain drug that made you think they were your ex and you don't know that much about them other than the fact they have a barbie toothbrush and like anime?

_ Thank you _ was probably a good start -- if only he could figure out how to get the words out.

Anyway, Felix cornered him after a full week of skillful avoidance on Hyunjin's behalf, by the campus pool of all places.

"Here? Really?" Hyunjin sighed, using his arms to push himself out of the pool. He walked past Felix to grab a towel, wiping his face off and pushing his hair back. Felix really wasn't being subtle about the way his eyes travelled over Hyunjin's abdomen.

He snapped out of it as Hyunjin walked back over to the side of the pool, where he was standing. "Well where else, Hyunjin, you've been ghosting, don't think I haven't noticed," his hands were on his hips, and Hyunjin wasn't going to lie, the whole agitated front Felix had going at the moment was pretty hot. "Also, why are you swimming?"

"Why not?" Hyunjin asked, tilting his head slightly. The corner of his mouth quirked up a bit. "You may be able to ride, but I can pull off a pretty good stroke."

As nasty as Felix was half the time, he really didn't know how to take what he dished out. A flush spread across his face and behind his freckles, which immediately brought a full grin to Hyunjin's face. He reached over to pinch Felix's cheek. "Awww, cutie."

"Shut up, honestly," Felix grumbled, slapping his hand away, but still bright red. "I'm still mad at you."

Hyunjin moved forward until they were even closer together, leaning down to mouth at his ear. "What can I do to make it up to you?" 

Felix tried to act indifferent, but Hyunjin  _ felt _ him shudder. "I'm not sure I— Hyunjin," he hissed when his hands dropped to his waist, "we're in public."

Hyunjin hummed, and gripped tighter, eliciting a small gasp from Felix. "Can I have your phone for a minute?"

He nodded, and Hyunjin pulled it out of his back pocket. Once he had a strong grip on both the phone and Felix, he used all his momentum to push the latter into the pool. Hyunjin walked away, setting his towel and the phone down on one of the chairs, and looked back over -- Felix hadn't broken the surface yet.

Without a second thought, Hyunjin threw himself back into the water, dragging Felix up by the back of his shirt. He coughed and spluttered, nails digging into Hyunjin while he swam them both over to the side of the pool.

"You absolute nincompoop, I can't  _ swim _ ." Felix whined against Hyunjin's bare shoulder, his teeth were chattering -- out of fear or cold he couldn't know.

"Well how was I supposed to know that, Felix," Hyunjin said, rolling his eyes. He held onto the side and just let Felix cling to him. Somewhere far off in his mind, he knew it wasn't a great thing to do. At least he saved his phone. "We don't exactly talk about ourselves a lot."

"Still you shouldn't just go around throwing people in the goddamn pool whenever you feel like—" Felix stopped abruptly, grabbing his chin and turning his head towards him, eyes narrowed. "Hyunjin.. are you high?"

Hyunjin blinked slowly at him, rubbing one of his eyes. "Nooo..?"

Felix pushed himself away with a shake of his head. "You are. You fucking are. I can't believe you." He scrambled along the side of the pool and over to the ladder, hauling himself out to stomp over and steal Hyunjin's towel.

"Felix!" He whisper shouted in case people were listening over the other noises of the pool, "it's just weed, I'm not—"

" _ Just weed _ , Hyunjin what the hell?"

"Yeah," Hyunjin said with a frown, "Chan gave me some."

"And what if they check your dorm, hm? You're so inexperienced— how could you just walk around like this," Felix exclaimed, walking over to look down at Hyunjin. "Swimming, no less? What if you drowned?"

"Okay, and? Wouldn't be that big of a deal," Hyunjin mumbled, face stony.

"Yes it would," Felix hissed, crouching down to look Hyunjin in the eyes. "And until you realize that for yourself, you shouldn't be using drugs at all."

"You're not my mother, Felix," Hyunjin said, climbing out of the pool beside him. Their noses were almost touching, and he could have sworn he could  _ feel _ the anger. "You don't know shit about me, don't try and act like you're all high and mighty here. You're twenty years old and you can't even swim, don't be giving  _ me _ life advice." He stood up and grabbed a new towel, trying to ignore just how much it stung, walking away from Felix like that.

_ Don't turn back around… _

•÷•÷•

Jisung was out again, which ultimately left Hyunjin alone by himself in the dorm. His laptop resided on his bed, open to an assignment that -- if he was being honest with himself -- he'd probably never finish.

He rolled into his back, hands threaded through his messy hair. Hyunjin couldn't remember the last time he showered, or worked out for that matter. Felix hadn't texted him in well over a week, and Hyunjin _definitely_ _wasn't_ thinking about the remainder of the ᴅᴍᴛ tucked away in an old birthday card envelope in his desk.

Hyunjin let out a whine and struggled to kick the blanket off of him. Too hot -- it was too hot. He wasn't even on anything -- that he knew of. His T-shirt was up and over his head before he knew it, and he yanked down his pants. Hyunjin fell back to the bed in only boxers, spread out and panting and  _ still hot _ .

He needed something to distract him.

Soon enough his phone was in his hands, and just as he went to click on Felix's contact, his phone slipped out from his grasp. When Hyunjin grabbed it again, it was open to someone else's contact. The profile picture was much too familiar, and he hated that a lump started to rise in his throat.

He hated that his thumb hovered over the  _ call _ button. He hated that monotonous, robotic ringing sound.

It still went to voicemail, but this time… Hyunjin left a message.

"Jeongin, hey…" he started, eyes fixed on the darkened ceiling. He missed the stars of his bedroom -- he missed the happier times. A bitter chuckle passed his lips, "I don't even know if you remember me, but.. I just needed to try. So hi, it's Hyunjin. How are you? Call me back if you want, or not, I don't know. I don't even know why I still have this number saved…. Bye then."

He ended the call and let his hand fall to the bed beside him with a sigh. Old Hyunjin would have cried; he would have cried as hard as the day he tore all the stars from his ceiling.

But this Hyunjin… he didn't even know if he drank enough water that day to be able to. His gaze shifted slowly back to his computer, and Hyunjin forced himself into a sitting position.

He would get that assignment done.

He wasn't a complete failure yet.

The door creaked open, and Hyunjin glanced over. Jisung's familiar face peeked through the crack, eyes blank when they met with Hyunjin's. He walked all the way in and closed the door behind him, going about his normal bedtime routine.

Hyunjin watched every movement, chewing on his lip in anticipation. Just as he went to climb in bed, Hyunjin spoke up. "Jisung,"

He turned around a bit, eyebrows raised slightly.

"Thank you."

And he smiled.


	8. Chapter 8

Hyunjin fucked up. 

He'd been resisting the ᴅᴍᴛ as long as he could -- it ruined so much before, and didn't even feel all that good, but… he was  _ happy _ on it. And the weather had started getting cold again, he was on good terms with Jisung --  _ so what _ if Felix didn't talk to him anymore?

It wasn't a good idea to do the last of the ᴅᴍᴛ with Jisung sleeping less than seven feet away from him, but Hyunjin's mind wasn't in the right place. It rarely ever was anymore.

What set him off was simple: his parents.

Hyunjin hadn't managed to get his grades up in time, and so they called him, threatening to come up there themselves. Not that they'd like what they saw.

He really should have been more careful.

From what his foggy brain gathered from his roommate's shouting the next morning, it wasn't all that polite of him to be naked and sweaty and humping him over the blankets in the middle of the night. Hyunjin couldn't even remember what he saw while on the drug -- if he had any kind of artistic abilities, and drew out the illusions, he'd probably be praised for it.

Not by Jisung.

"Hyunjin, seriously," Jisung said, still breathing heavily from all the yelling. Vaguely, Hyunjin knew he should be worried that other residents had heard, but at the moment he was much more preoccupied with the headache. His fingers prodded at his temples and rubbed around his eyes, searching for some kind of relief. "Maybe you wouldn't have a headache if you weren't an  _ addict _ ."

"Oh my  _ god _ , Jisung, I said I'm sorry," Hyunjin muttered, glancing up at him sharply at the word  _ addict _ . "And I'm not… just for fun.."

"Say it like it is, Hyunjin, or I will. I can… I can report you, you know."

"What the fuck, Jisung!" Hyunjin exclaimed, scrambling up to block the door. "I swear I won't do them around you anymore, so why do you give  _ a fuck what I do. _ "

Jisung blinked at him, almost incredulous. His voice came out quiet, disbelieving, when he next spoke. "I'll ask if I can switch roommates then."

"What?" Hyunjin deflated, eyes wide. "Why?"

"I don't know how to get through to you," Jisung said, "is it so hard for you to believe that someone just might  _ actually _ care about you? Not want you to irreversibly fuck up your life?"

"Oh  _ yeah _ you're just like everyone else," Hyunjin sneered. " _ You're such a good kid, Hyunjin. Not like your brother. Oh your parents must be so proud. Don't want to disappoint them, now do we, Hyunjin? _ "

Jisung just stared at him. "I think you need to leave now."

"Jisung wha—"

"Is it really so crazy that I just want the best for you?" Jisung spat, looking away from Hyunjin, arms crossed. "I should have told you what Felix was into at the start… clearly  _ I _ can't help you. So maybe you  _ should _ get in trouble. Maybe after that come back to me. Because I liked sober Hyunjin so much better… and I think you would too, if you got to know him."

Hyunjin didn't know why that brought tears to his eyes, but he didn't like it one bit. The sound of the door slamming followed him all the way down the hall.

•÷•÷•

"Hyunjin, what—" Chan opened the door a tiny crack, eyes widening when he pushed his way through into Felix's dorm. 

"Where's Felix?"

"Hiding somewhere, I don't know— hey wait a minute," Chan said, "you hurt him, y'know, you shouldn't be here right now."

Hyunjin laughed. "No I need to see him."

"Well good luck with that, he doesn't really like the, uh, the bad stuff."

"Bad stuff?" He asked, brows furrowed. 

Chan gestured over to Jaemin and another guy he didn't know the name of, who were sitting by an open window smoking something. Whatever it was didn't smell like weed.

_ Oh. _

"Your best bet," Chan said, grinning lazily -- he, too, had undeniably done some of the 'bad stuff'. For a brief moment, Hyunjin felt a spark of pity for Peachy. "Is in the bathroom."

_ So they have their own bathroom. Interesting. _

Hyunjin walked over there and gently knocked on the door.

"Who is it," Felix's voice came with a sigh. "What happened?"

"It's, uh, it's Hyunjin," he called out, "Can I come in?"

"...No."

"Fair enough," Hyunjin said, laughing slightly. His head still pounded from his earlier interaction with Jisung, and he just.. he really needed  _ something _ , and besides drugs, Felix was the next best option. "I just wanted to say sorry, for what happened a few weeks ago."

"Oh yeah? What brought this about?"

"Um, nothing."

The door opened, and Felix revealed himself. Dressed in a shirt full of holes, and plaid pajama pants, he looked more exhausted than anything. If Hyunjin was being honest… he didn't think the redness around Felix's eyes was from drugs. 

"Cut the bullshit, Hyunjin," he stated simply, leaning up against the doorframe, arms crossed in a way similar to how Jisung's had been earlier. "My druggie friends woke me up and kicked me out of my own bed this morning to do drugs they know I don't approve of, I corrupted this cute guy I met at camp because I'm a bad person, I don't have any friends that are good influences, and I haven't eaten all day," Hyunjin could have sworn he heard a sniffle, "I can't deal with any more  _ crap _ so tell me the truth."

"Jisung kicked me out," said Hyunjin.

"Why?"

"I..." by the way Felix's expression fell, he already knew. Hyunjin cleared his throat and tried again, diverting his gaze from Felix's form. "I used drugs around him again."

"What kind?"

"ᴅᴍᴛ."

"Where'd you get it?"

Felix's questions were light, but his expression stony -- and Hyunjin was scared.

"... Chan."

That one word caused Felix to push past him, marching into the main room. "Chan what the fuck."

"Wha?" Chan murmured blearily from where he was laying on Felix's bed. 

"You sold to Hyunjin?" He was outraged. "I thought we agreed."

"Agreed on what?" Hyunjin cut in, only to be ignored.

"Well he  _ wanted _ to buy, what was I supposed to do,  _ say no _ ?"

" _ Yes. _ Exactly, Chan," Felix said through gritted teeth, glaring at all of them. "I don't even know why I'm friends with all of you."

"C'mon, Felix, it's not that big of a deal," mystery man piped up from beside Jaemin, shrugging. "Look at him. If he wanted it, he wanted it. He's an adult. He can take it."

"I don't want him to—"

"Hey, kid," Mystery Dude said, and it took Hyunjin a moment to realize he meant  _ him. _ "Do you want some of this?" He took the tiny roll of whatever a barely conscious Jaemin was smoking out of his mouth, held aloft to Hyunjin. Hyunjin gulped, eyes moving from the rigid Felix down to the burning stick of tinfoil being offered.

_ He did want it. _

Hyunjin looked back over into Felix's pleading eyes. "Hyunjin, don—"

The unknown guy let out an abrupt shout at that, shaking Felix into silence. Felix was  _ scared _ of him, whoever he was.

Felix, who had done nothing good to Hyunjin except through physical means. Felix, who did drugs all the time without Hyunjin, but got mad when he returned the favor. Stupid, bossy little peach -- why did Hyunjin ever listen to him in the first place?

And Hyunjin took a hit of it.

And it hit  _ hard _ .


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible tw??   
> Very vague mentions of assault (nothing happens tho, don't worry) and mental health concerns 
> 
> It's gonna get pretty dark for a bit guys ;-;

"... Back the hell up, Seungmin,"

It sounded so very far away from Hyunjin, safe in his mindless oblivion, void of anything other than synthetic happiness. He'd never felt so light and airy before.

Like the ground didn't exist --  _ he  _ didn't exist. Nothing could hurt him, not even the hand he was vaguely aware of, inching up his thigh.

"Relax,... Felix, just gonna take some of pretty boy's money. Doubt he'll mind at all."

Hyunjin didn't register, really, that someone's hands were stroking through his hair and along his jawline carefully. His eyes were open, but everything was so blurry that they might as well be closed. The fingers dancing dangerously close to a place only Felix had ventured before were swatted away by someone, or something, Hyunjin didn't really know.

Whatever this  _ Seungmin _ had given him, it felt heavenly. 

He started drifting off, and all that he could hear through the static and darkness was a deep voice whispering an endless mantra into his hair.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry…"

When Hyunjin sat up with a groan the following morning, it was to the realization that he'd missed all his classes. "Fuck," he groaned, rubbing his eye. His throat felt like it'd been coated in chalk, and he coughed a bit, attempting to stretch his legs. A certain weight held him down, and Hyunjin gazed over blearily at the figure of Felix, leg thrown over his waist, and hand cupping his jaw.

It didn't look as though he slept well at all.

Hyunjin's manners hadn't completely left him, so he stayed put for as long as possible, relishing the comfort that such closeness provided. He ached for when he was this close to Jisung, watching anime together -- or with Jeongin, cuddled beneath the stars.

His stomach churned uncomfortably, and Hyunjin tore himself away from the bed -- from Felix. He ran to the bathroom, subconsciously recognizing that the dorm was not his own. Hyunjin heaved over the toilet, and barely noticed that the lights flickered on, or that someone's fingers threaded through his hair, holding it away from the basin.

Only now did he really acknowledge how  _ long _ his hair had gotten.

The other hand of the person turned on the faucet and then began to rub his back soothingly. Once Hyunjin collapsed against the wall of the bathroom, swallowing shakily and pushing back his own hair, did he bother to look up and see who helped him. He squinted against the bright bathroom lights, and the person reached over to turn them off.

"Felix," he choked out.

Felix nodded morosely, and offered him a small dixie cup of water. Hyunjin took it gratefully, glaring down into the depths of it as Felix stared at him. He  _ knew _ he was being scrutinized.

"Where's Chan?" asked Hyunjin with his hoarse voice.

Felix tsked. "I kicked them all out yesterday, I don't know."

"But—"

"They're my friends?" Felix laughed, a bitter, rather scary laugh. "Yeah, no. Not after what happened yesterday."

"What… happened yesterday." Hyunjin rubbed the space between his eyebrows, everything scrunched up in pain.

"I found out Chan was dealing to you— something we both agreed wasn't a good idea the  _ moment _ I told him about you, and Seungmin gave you hard drugs. Like really hard drugs," Felix said, and Hyunjin wasn't so sure he'd ever heard his voice that serious before. "Like I stayed up most of the night, anxious, because I didn't know if you were gonna wake up or not, Hyunjin. I shouldn't have to do that. Drugs are fun and all, but.. there's a limit. You know there is."

"So?"

"So you crossed the line, buddy."

"It wasn't even that bad," Hyunjin muttered. "You're overreacting."

"Well, I would be telling you a different story if I hadn't kicked Seungmin out when I did," Felix said, his face heating up in anger. "At least now you still have most of your money and virginity. So you're welcome."

"... Thanks."

"Why did you take it?" His voice had become soft, void of any and all anger from before. "I warned you, and you still…"

"You're not in control of me. I'm in control, I can—"

"Then act like it," Felix exclaimed, backing up a few steps, "Act like you're in control. Because as of late… it.. it doesn't  _ seem _ like it."

"You're the one that got me into this mess in the first place," Hyunjin said, his speech somewhat slurred, unaware that tears had begun to trek down his face. "It's  _ your fault _ ."

"I know," Felix whispered, screwing his eyes shut. "Hyunjin, believe me, I know. And I'm so,  _ so _ sorry. I had no idea, I—… I wish you had never met me."

Hyunjin slammed his hands against the tiled floor weakly --  _ goddamnit _ he didn't want to cry like this. Wants did little against the oncoming sobs, and all he could do was let them out, writhing on Felix's bathroom floor. "I wish," Hyunjin gasped, tears and mucus webbing in the corners of his mouth -- Felix glanced away; it must've been difficult to watch. "I wish I never met you. I wish you never  _ touched _ me, please— get the fu—ck out."

The words must've been harsher out of his own mouth, because Felix genuinely flinched. Had Hyunjin been in his right mind, he would have felt bad for  _ weeks _ following it. But strung out Hyunjin couldn't find it in him to care at all, even as Felix slunk away, closing himself out of his own bathroom.

He didn't even thank him.

Instead, Hyunjin reached into his pocket for his phone. Maybe he could make up with Jisung over text? 

His phone wasn't there.

A small, round patch of some kind of goop  _ was _ , however. Hyunjin turned it over in his palm, peering through tears down at the sharpie marks on the backside of it.

_ A little pick-me-up in case things get tough. Love, Seungmin _

•÷•÷•

"Hwang Hyunjin," 

His blood ran cold at the authoritative tone, and he slowly spun around to meet the narrowed eyes of an administrator on campus.

He knew he didn't look all that put-together.

"Yes?"

"Is there anywhere you would feel comfortable talking?" He asked, voice stern from years on the job, no doubt. "It's come to our attention that you've been exhibiting suicidal tendencies."

_ Han fucking Jisung. _

"Um… we can walk together," Hyunjin said, unsure if his timid voice really reached the man or not. It seemed to, because he started down a little path branching out from the sidewalk.

"This way fine?"

"Yep…" It was hard to keep his voice calm and without suspicious strain; he was still so tired from his first time on… whatever was in the patch Seungmin gave him.

Was it bad he didn't know? Probably.

Probably really bad, if Felix watched over him in the case of an overdose from just that little bit. Was it even meant to be smoked?

"Hyunjin?"

His head snapped up. "Hm?"

"Did you hear anything I've been saying?"

"No, I'm sorry," Hyunjin muttered, hands coming up to sheepishly play with his hair.

"It's alright. Well," the man began again, adjusting his suit as he walked. "It would probably be advisable to send you home a few days earlier than the rest of campus for the holidays."

"Holidays?"

The man shot him an incredulous look. "Exams are coming up soon, and then winter break. I'm saying, we're thinking about maybe sending you home earlier. Your family can decide the best course of action."

"Will I still have to take the exams?"

"Of course," he said, stilling. "You should return to your dorm now, get a good night's rest, young man, and  _ study _ ."

Hyunjin did… none of those things.

He  _ did _ go back to the dorm, and completely ignored Jisung's existence. Jisung tried to apologise, but it fell on deaf ears. Hours after he'd fallen asleep, Hyunjin was still up, cocooned in a black hoodie, only barely peeking out from underneath soft blankets.

Well, how else was he supposed to deal with his  _ suicidal tendencies _ , rather than to spend his late nights browsing the internet, laptop screen brightness up far too high.

He squinted at the search bar, and then over to his backpack. The patch was somewhere in there -- he couldn't trust his desk again, as Jisung had probably raided it.

_ Jisung _ .

His eyes unintentionally flitted over to the sleeping form of his roommate, and for a few moments, all he could do was watch the faint rise and fall of his chest. Hyunjin hadn't given himself a chance to mourn the loss of Felix yet, let alone Jisung -- he didn't  _ need _ to, really. He might miss them on a surface level, but what had either of them really ever done for him?

Hyunjin glanced back to his computer, and set his fingers on the keys, just  _ thinking _ for a minute. Then --

_ Hard drugs| _

His eyes scanned down the list -- none of them looked similar to what he'd felt. Maybe…

_ Opiates| _

Hyunjin clicked on the first website that popped up, and gazed down at it with a small frown. 

_ Opioids are a class of drugs that include the illegal drug heroin, synthetic opioids such as fentanyl, and pain relievers available legally by-- _

Seungmin hadn't given him  _ heroin _ … did he? No, no.. heroin had to be injected, right? Jisung murmured in his sleep and shifted around, making Hyunjin freeze. After a glance to confirm he was still asleep, Hyunjin clicked one of the blue highlighted drug names.

_ Fentanyl _ .

_ Fentanyl pills… _ nope. Maybe this wasn't right afterall.

_ Synthetic opioids, including fentanyl, are now the most common drugs involved in drug overdose deaths in the United States. _

Well then. Good thing it wasn't --

Hyunjin's heart froze with the next words he read, and he promptly slammed his laptop closed. He scrambled up and over to his backpack, rummaging around for the problematic little patch. For a minute, Hyunjin actually debated throwing it out, flushing it down the toilet -- anything to get rid of something that would put his life in so much danger.

But the longer he looked at it, the more he started to remember from the other night. Complete bliss -- borderline euphoric.

That was better than anything he'd ever felt in his twenty years of existence, and so Hyunjin tucked the patch back into the secret pocket of his backpack and climbed back into bed.

_ Like heroin, morphine, and other opioid drugs, fentanyl works by binding to the body's opioid receptors, which are found in areas of the brain that control pain and emotions. After taking opioids many times, the brain adapts to the drug, diminishing its sensitivity, making it hard to feel pleasure from anything besides the drug. When people become addicted, drug seeking and drug use take over their lives. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Source for the article Hyunjin read: drugabuse.gov
> 
> Had to make Seungmin the bad guy 😔✊ apologies but I feel like it's always Chan or Minho and so ✨✨✨


	10. Chapter 10

"How do you think you did?" Minho was energetic as ever, throwing an arm over Hyunjin's shoulders on their way out of the last exam.

Hyunjin sighed, far too tired to deal with it. He hadn't used all throughout exam week, and he was sure that it showed, whether in his eye bags or just the way he carried himself. The way the teachers eyed him as if he were going to hang himself on the projector string, and how Jisung offered him a slightly proud smile whenever he saw him now -- it was too much.

"Probably fine," Hyunjin said, shrugging.  _ Probably very not fine _ .

Minho ruffled his hair and squeezed him even closer. "I bet you did great! Excited for break? Only a few more days."

"No, um, actually, I'm getting sent home, uh, today."

Minho's smile dropped. "Wait what? Why?"

"No reason—" Hyunjin said, unsure if his voice was loud enough -- he could barely hear himself think; it was like someone had suddenly shoved his head underwater, and his ears were filling up with waves of static. "I— don't know why, I'm not, like, expelled though."

Minho glanced at him nervously -- his breathing must be weird or something. "You okay?"

"Um, yep..  _ fine _ ," Hyunjin wheezed.

"Okay.. do you need help back to your dorm?"

"No thanks."

He didn't need help.

•÷•÷•

"Hyunjin!" His little sister's shout wavered with excitement, and a moment later she came sprinting out of the house. She skipped down the driveway with energetic bounds, and Hyunjin felt exhausted just watching it.

Still, he wrapped her up in a huge hug, catching the calculating gazes of his parents over her shoulder.

"Jinny," he said, pulling away slightly, "wow you've grown."

"I'm almost sixteen," she said with a smirk.

Hyunjin smiled -- genuinely smiled -- and brought her close once again. The simple actions nearly brought tears to Hyunjin's eyes; he'd missed having someone to hug, someone who really  _ knew _ him. How would Jinny react if she knew what he'd been up to? Hyunjin didn't want to think about it, instead tightening his grip briefly before letting go.

They never really were all that close, not until after --

"Hyunjin," his mom said, approaching at a walk. "Welcome back."

"You certainly look peakid," His dad said with a hearty laugh that didn't reach his eyes. "Long trip?"

"Not bad," Hyunjin murmured, avoiding eye contact. Despite not having used drugs in a hot minute, he still felt as though his parents would be able to see right through him. "How's, um, how's everything?"

"Pretty good. Let's go inside and get some food in you, boy," his mom smiled at him tensely -- there was something they weren't addressing; a big thing that had Jinny glancing between all of them, eyebrow raised. "You're so skinny."

"Mom, it's probably just college— you know how stressful it is. This happened last year too," Jinny piped up as they all walked into the house.

The house, in all its aching familiarity, didn't make Hyunjin as uncomfortable as it did the previous time he came home. Now he was just… tired. He evaded all of his family's attempts to talk, and hurried up the stairs. His socked feet slid around the hardwood stairs in his haste, and Hyunjin was just lucky he didn't slip at all. 

He threw his backpack by the foot of his desk and collapsed onto his bed with a sigh. The light was already on, and maybe Jinny  _ had _ been spending more time in his room -- it was really sweet, if he thought about it.

Sleep dragged him away almost immediately, pulling at his aching limbs and forcing him into the depths of darkness he'd managed to avoid for days on end.

The following morning came to Hyunjin quite quickly. He stared up at that same ceiling once again, and it didn't make him sad anymore. His room held just as many good memories as bad ones -- no amount of thinking and overthinking would bring Dohye or Jeongin back.

Hyunjin was content.

Content, and…

He whipped out his phone, and opened up his chat with Chan.

_ Hyunjin: Sup _

_ Chan: What _

Hyunjin blinked a few times, confused at the quick response -- glancing at the corner of his phone screen, he could see that it was only a little bit past five in the morning.

_ Hyunjin: Wow you're up early _

_ Chan: So are you _

_ What do u want _

_ Hyunjin: Would it inconvenience you if I said weed _

Hyunjin bit his lip to hold back a small smile -- he could almost sense Chan's eyeroll through the screen.

_ Chan: Bruh _

_ Typing… _

_ Hyunjin: Hey it's just pot bro _

_ Chan: I just got felix to let me back in the dorm bruh _

_ Hes like pissed  _

_ Typing… _

_ And sad _

_ What happened between u two _

_ Hyunjin: How about I tell you if you let us smoke together _

_ Chan: Wtf got into u man youre so different _

_ Hyunjin: See you soon channie 😘 _

And he did.

Hyunjin really shouldn't have left his house later that day, when he knew full well that his parents were waiting to talk to him, but he did.

Chan was waiting on his front step, as always, the same lazy grin on his face. Smoke drifted up from the sides of his mouth, and Hyunjin let out an involuntary shudder.

"Here," Chan mumbled, offering him the blunt right away. "Come sit, and tell me what the fuck you did with my best friend this time."

"You know full well I didn't do anything to Jeongin to make him leave," Hyunjin said, falling down onto the porch. He inhaled deeply, sucking the fumes into his lungs. In all honesty, he held it in there as long as he could to avoid questioning, the prospect of going over everything with his childhood friend too daunting to think about completely sober. Hyunjin coughed, holding the blunt away from Chan's awaiting hands. "Mine now."

"Bruh," his eyes were empty -- they usually were. "I wasn't talking about Jeongin this time."

"Oh."

"What went down with you and Felix, he won't tell me shit— all cooped up and stuff, not himself at all."

Hyunjin reluctantly handed back the roll. "We kind of, um, had a disagreement."

_ Yeah, that was one way of saying it alright. _

"So y'all broke up."

"If we were even together in the first place," Hyunjin sighed, and Chan passed the blunt back over.

"Shit," was all Chan said.

He certainly had a way with words.  _ Shit _ was right.

A chilly breeze swung through the bars of the porch, sending a shiver down Hyunjin's spine. He wasn't dressed for this situation at all. Chan seemed to take notice, linking an arm around Hyunjin's waist and pulling him closer until his chin could rest atop his head.

Chan's breath came out unevenly, and it had a certain staleness to it that Felix's lacked.

"Hyunjin?"

"Yeah?"

"It… it really wasn't your fault, y'know? Dohye— Jeongin, even. Nobody blames you, you shouldn't blame yourself."

Hyunjin hummed, relishing the  _ warmth _ that those words -- and Chan in general -- provided.

And he really didn't know how it happened.

One minute they were hugging at the front of his house, and the next they were stumbling through it, lips attached messily while struggling to pull off clothes as they went.

Maybe it was the hush of, "I have the house to myself," from Chan, or perhaps Hyunjin's muttered, "Well why aren't we in there getting warmed up?"

But honestly he wasn't sure -- he couldn't be certain of anything lately. What he did know, as soon as he woke up in that same bedroom, with not Felix, but  _ Chan _ laying passed out beside him -- he didn't know who he was anymore.

Somewhere along the way, he'd lost the Hwang Hyunjin everyone once  _ knew _ ; not  _ loved _ , but knew.

Chan groaned as he woke up, running a hand down his face. He widened his eyes over at Hyunjin, and a hand flew to his hair, raking through it in stress -- it must have been a habit he picked up from Felix, really. " _ Shit _ , Hyunjin—  _ Felix _ . Get up," he rolled out of bed, pale skin almost glowing in the moonlight cast about his room. He began tossing articles of clothing back towards Hyunjin, "what are you missing— I'll loan it to you."

"Uhh— a sweatshirt, please," Hyunjin stuttered out, still trying to grasp what was going on. "And what  _ am _ I missing here, Chan?"

Chan tossed a hoodie over to Hyunjin, and with one whiff it was beyond clear it hadn't been washed recently; Hyunjin wouldn't have minded if he had been more keen on the scent Chan gave off. In other words, sweat, and the faded smell of cinnamon – long since masked by that of smoke – weren't an excellent combo, but Hyunjin still forced it over his head.

"I mean," Chan said, breathless. He frantically glanced around the room, and grabbed his sweatpants from earlier, shoving his feet into them hurriedly. "Felix is spending break with me."

"Shit," Hyunjin's eyes widened, and he pushed himself to his feet with a wince. "When's he coming ov— goddamnit, Chan, you couldn't have been, I dunno, any gentler?"

Chan took a moment to smirk, and just as his mouth opened to form an undoubtedly snarky response, the doorbell rang. "Hyunjin.." he trailed off, but Hyunjin knew what he meant.

_ Please be gone by the time I get back, or we're both dead. _

He got the message loud and clear.

So after Chan closed the door behind him, Hyunjin forced his clouded mind to think of an escape route; out of the window was his best option.

Midway through attempting to figure out how the hell Chan's window unlocked, he caught Felix's laugh from the front room, and froze. They were engaging in small talk.

For a moment, Hyunjin let his heart ache -- but then the window slid up, and he was clambering out before the noise called Felix in and he realized what he'd done. Felix's _ best friend _ and him, an ex-...whatever they had been,… mere  _ days _ after their fight.

Hyunjin didn't mean to cry, he really didn't. But in the two blocks back to his own house, his legs  _ hurt _ and his chest burned -- he felt weak; mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. Not to mention he'd broken curfew for the first time ever.

As he stood in front of his house, Hyunjin couldn't stop the sobs from tearing through him. He fell to his knees and fought the urge to curl up in a fetal position, right there on the grass of his childhood front lawn. The lawn he, and Chan, and Jeongin would lay on, just staring up at the sky for hours after his mom kicked them out to go play. The lawn his brother was thrown onto, his parents screams echoing around the neighborhood --  _ Hyunjin's fault _ .

The very same lawn where he, Hwang Hyunjin, aged 13, devised plans to build the pool that now resided in their backyard. Where his mom held his toddler self on top of a blanket, reading picture books aloud; where his dad taught Jinny how to ride a bike for the first time --

Too many memories were linked to this house, to his past, to the  _ dead Hwang Hyunjin. _


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;-;

Hyunjin spent the next couple days barricaded in his room -- he could tell Jinny was upset about that, but what could he do? He didn't know who he was, let alone how to be a good big brother to her at the moment.

Chan had called a few days ago, but Hyunjin let it go to voicemail. He did listen to it, however, glassy eyes fixated on the wall, same hoodie from that night tied close around his face.

It was Chan checking in on him -- which would have been sweet, had he not been doing it solely because of the rumor apparently going around that Hwang Hyunjin was planning to kill himself. He just sank further into his blankets, unable to think -- or even breathe -- properly.

He needed… something. He had no idea what.

On the third day of this, a sharp knock came at his door. "Hyunjin, it's mom, open up right now."

He didn't have the energy to so much as open his eyes, let alone get up and let her in. Of course, he didn't have to -- she did that on her own.

"I'm gonna be straight with you, Hyunjin, what the  _ hell _ is going on? Should we be worried? Because I am."

"No, mom, I'm fine," he offered her a weak smile. "I'm fine, I swear."

"That isn't what your school said."

Hyunjin froze. "Mom, who are you gonna listen to, the school, or me?"

She hesitated a moment, stern gaze still on him. Hyunjin sighed and sat up. "See? I'm fine. Fit as a fiddle, I'm just exhausted. You know how I am."

"Mhm," she hummed, and Hyunjin could see her softening -- parents never  _ wanted _ to believe their kids were fucked up anyway. "Will you join us for dinner then?"

Hyunjin's plastered smile faltered for a moment, and then he was nodding. "Yes."

"By the way," she said, pausing on her way out the door. "I don't think I recognize that hoodie, and I've been doing your laundry for a  _ long time _ , Mister."

_ Fuck _ .

  * ÷•÷•÷•



Dinner was uneventful to begin with.

They talked, laughed a bit -- Hyunjin kept his eyes on his plate, playing around with the food more than he actually lifted it to his mouth.

About halfway through, Hyunjin's mom excused herself to the bathroom. He didn't think much of her using the upstairs one at the time, not even when she returned to the dining room ten minutes later, face stony. Hyunjin smiled at her, and chomped down on a piece of broccoli just for show.

Her smile looked much more like a grimace, sending Hyunjin's eyes back down to his plate. The air held a certain tenseness that it didn't have before, and Jinny -- sweet, wonderful Jinny -- did her best to keep conversation flowing.

Hyunjin pulled the hoodie sleeves further down his palms, the anxiety swirling in his stomach enough to make his hands sweaty, and any thought of eating flew out the window. He set his fork down, and it was like a switch went off in his mother.

"Jinny, go to your room, please." She said, though her cold eyes were fixed on Hyunjin.

"But—" Jinny's eyes followed her mom's gaze over to Hyunjin. He knew he didn't look good for himself. He knew he was shaking, and his eyebags dark against the pale skin of his face. He knew he'd lost a ton of weight since he stopped going to the gym. 

He knew he looked almost exactly like his older brother at that very moment, especially in the eyes of his parents.

Maybe his dad had even caught on by then.

"No buts, Jinae, up to bed.  _ Now. _ "

Jinny looked stunned into silence, shooting one last  _ terrified _ glance in his direction before speeding out of the room. His mother waited until her footsteps pounded all the way up the stairs until she began to speak. 

Her voice was icy, sending a chill down Hyunjin's spine. He must've sweat through Chan's sweatshirt in multiple places by then -- the disappointed eyes of his parents felt like floodlights shining directly on him.

"I didn't believe you, Hyunjin. I wish I could, but really.  _ Really? _ "

He gathered the courage to look up, away from his lap. "What?"

"You have the audacity—  _ Hyunjin _ ," she said, voice strained. "I really tried with you. I  _ really _ did. You were always such a good kid— and Dohye—" her words wavered in pitch, wobbly with all the emotion she could barely conceal.

In spite of himself, Hyunjin couldn't help the burning sensation building in the back of his nose and throat.  _ Shame _ .

" _ Fentanyl _ ? Hyunjin, I—"

His head snapped up, eyes narrowed. It didn't matter that tears blurred Hyunjin's vision because he blinked them away. "How do you— did you  _ search my laptop _ ?"

"I had to," she spat, "you weren't talking to us. And I'm glad I did. I can't believe—"

"That's a complete fucking invasion of my privacy."

"Hyunjin," His dad said in a warning tone, "watch your language."

"No," Hyunjin said through gritted teeth, his eyes still narrowed at his mother. He barely recognized  _ her _ anymore. "No, I don't think I will,  _ dad, _ " the words just kept coming. He didn't know what sparked them, but suddenly, all the thoughts he'd restrained all those years about his family -- about his parents -- were suddenly out in the open. "You guys never should have been parents if you weren't going to protect your kid when they need it. I  _ needed _ it, when I came out to you, especially— Jinny needs it.  _ Dohye certainly fucking needed it _ . I thought, when I told you both that I was worried he was taking oxy— what, oxycontins? I thought you were going to  _ help _ him.  _ Stop him _ , maybe.  _ Save _ him, for Christ's sake! But no. You threw him out. Like he was trash, like he was disgusting—  _ he was your son _ , and he was  _ sick _ , and," his voice started to slow, and Hyunjin hated himself for letting choking sobs intrude on his words -- his face had undoubtedly begun to glow red by then. Sniffles and sobs cut up the silence while Hyunjin tried to catch his breath. "And I think, I think  _ I'm sick, Mom. _ "

He didn't know what he expected out of that strong worded confession -- maybe for his parents to realize their mistakes; apologize, and give him the hug he so desperately needed.

"Be sick.. somewhere else." His mom's voice shuddered with every word. Like it was painful for her to force them out -- sour against her tongue. Like Hyunjin was vermin, clothed in another man's sweatshirt and invading their home.

He gulped, teary eyes shifting over to his dad, who refused to make eye contact. 

It'd been the same with Dohye.

A lump rose in Hyunjin's throat. "S—say something!" He shouted at his dad, pleading, almost.

It didn't work.

Nothing did.

Fifteen minutes later, and Hyunjin was storming down the stairs, a hastily packed bag in hand. His mother shouted unintelligible phrases at him, to which he simply waved a gesture in her direction and stumbled towards the door. Just as he swung the door open and turned around to yell one last thing to make the windows rattle, he locked eyes with a tearful Jinny, who'd poked her head out of her room, and the words died in his mouth.

It sent him back -- back to his graduation day; back to seeing Dohye one last time, far off in the distance of the field where the parents couldn't catch a glimpse of him. He got to watch Dohye smile one last time.

And so, Hyunjin fought his face into a small, painful grin just for her, and stepped outside. His mouthed  _ bye _ was cut off by the door's slam. 

Just like he deserved.

Just like Dohye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are things coming together at least? ;-;-;-;


	12. Chapter 12

For a while, Hyunjin just wandered around. He tried not to let his thoughts linger on what had happened, for fear of falling into shock. Was that even possible? He wouldn't put it past himself.

His skin tingled with unease, breath clouding in the cold winter air, only amplified by the setting sun. Hyunjin rubbed his hands together, forcing his legs to keep moving -- the sweat coating his back and hands had long since cooled, somehow leaving him feeling even more gross and cold than before.

Even through all of that, Hyunjin wished that there was a bottle he could crawl into to shelter himself from, well, everything. 

The bitter taste of alcohol and slow burn on his throat felt different than drugs -- Hyunjin didn't enjoy it quite as much. But at that point, he was willing to have just about anything to take the edge off; anything that would erase his mother's yells from his memory and ease the tear they left in his heart. A few glasses of some type of liquor could do that… only if he had any, though, and he didn't.

Hyunjin blinked rapidly, his feet speeding up as well -- his breaths came in shallow pants as he fought off tears. He hated that it could affect him so much, leave him so vulnerable. He hated that he'd just been thrown out of his childhood home, by the people who were supposed to be his  _ family _ .

Something caught in his chest, and Hyunjin fell to the curb, hands landing on the cold ground. He gathered his legs underneath him and just sat there, looking undoubtedly pitiful with his bag clutched close and messy hands.

Hyunjin thought about going to Chan's place, but… he really couldn't.

Felix was there;  _ and  _ Chan.

Chan, who took his -- 

Hyunjin swallowed harshly at the thought, shaking it off right away. He couldn't bother them anymore. He'd really hurt Felix, from what Chan said, and that was the furthest thing from what he wanted. Adding himself back into the mix would only make things worse.

So Hyunjin whimpered and pushed his head between his knees in an attempt to calm down. While his head swam, Hyunjin tried to focus his breathing -- the ground blurred in front of him; the gray of the asphalt blending into his peripherals, making him essentially incapacitated.

Just when inhaling seemed impossible, the buzz of his phone rose above that of the white noise in his ears.

Hyunjin dug it out of his pocket with shaking hands, eyes widening when he saw who was messaging him --  _ Jeongin. _

He shouldn't have let his heart leap so high at a simple text, as it only came crashing down even harder when he actually read the messages.

_ Jeongin: Heyaaa _

_ I noticed you've been calling, and I was a bit too nervous to tell you before but _

_ I figured I might as well let you know now  _

_ I'm not your friend :// I'm sorry _

_ My name's Changbin, and I just got this number at the end of summer lmao~ _

_ Hyunjin: Oh _

_ Sorry _

Hyunjin typed with numb fingers, his heart had sunk somewhere near his appendix, and he couldn't  _ think _ .

_ Hyunjin: Is it ok if I leave like one more voicemail lol _

_ He was.. pretty important to me and ik it prolly sounds dumb but it would mean a ton to me Changbin :D  _

_ Changbin: Yeah ofc!! Btw you're Hyunjin right? _

_ Hyunjin: That's me _

_ Changbin: Good to know 👉😎👉 _

Had Hyunjin not been having one of the worst days in the history of ever, he would have cracked a grin at the dorky antics. Besides, he didn't know anything about this person who had taken over his ex-love's phone number.

_ Hyunjin: Thanks. _

Hyunjin waited a few moments, and when Changbin didn't open his message, he took a deep breath. His pointer finger tapped the  _ call _ button before he could think about it twice, and it really was a relief when it went straight to voicemail.

His breath came out in a shudder, and it was all he could do to avoid sobbing over the phone to a literal stranger. He honestly hoped that Changbin wouldn't listen to it -- that they'd just delete it, and never wonder what on earth Hyunjin said that was so important.

"I know this isn't really, uh,  _ you _ ," Hyunjin started, voice quivering involuntarily before he cleared it, running his tongue across his chapped lips. Darkness had begun to creep down the street, washing over the pavement until it settled at the tips of Hyunjin's faded vans. He tried to ignore the chill and continue on. "But I just wanted to… I don't know. You were the first one that ever managed to make me, um… I don't know,  _ content _ with myself— I felt  _ whole _ with you, I really did. Jeongin, I have no idea if you knew how much you affected me when you left but… yeah. I miss you. A lot. And then after—" 

Hyunjin forced air down his throat, and blinked away forming tears. He just had to get the words out. "— after you, came Dohye, and it felt like another piece of me broke and I just— I just don't know. I guess I fell into unhealthy mechanisms to feel, like,  _ that _ again. Feel whole. So did Channie… he's,"

His bitter laugh echoed down the street, and he had to clamp a sweater paw over his mouth. Tears soaked into the already damp sleeve, but Hyunjin couldn't stop his almost hysterical, choked laughter. "He's not the same. I guess…Well, I'm not either, we're not.. we're not your best friends anymore, Innie," Hyunjin finally managed to force out, calming down significantly. A sad smile rested on his lips as he stared into the darkness of a street he'd only passed by a few times before that day.

"Yeah, I know it's dumb to say all this after almost three years, but… I just— I had to tell you somehow. Because I might.. I might do something—" he let out a dry chuckle, "—extremely dumb, and I just had to say it before it's too late. So, thank you, Changbin, but I hope you never listen to this."

He pressed the red  _ hang up _ button and let out a huge sigh. Then, he stood up, gathered his things, and continued on.

Hwang Hyunjin bought a train ticket at almost nine in the evening. He had the car to himself, eyes trained on the reflected lights on the windows. Hyunjin's hand gripped the pole so hard his knuckles glowed white beneath the unnatural lights.

_ Most common drug involved in drug overdose deaths… fentanyl. _

His free hand felt around in his bag; a feeling of eery finality settled in his heart as his fingers closed around a small patch. All he would have to do is stick it on himself somewhere and  _ wait _ .

_ Or ingest it to speed up the process _ .

In spite of himself and the rocking of the train car, a smirk pulled at the corners of his mouth. Knowing now what he was going to do, Hyunjin felt a sort of morbid  _ peace _ wash over him. He fished his earbuds out of the bag and popped them into his ears, pressing play on a random playlist. Hyunjin hummed along lightly, eyes taking in everything about the inside of that car.

The song ended too quickly, and another came on shuffle, making Hyunjin freeze. His heart felt like it had stopped in his throat, preventing him from breathing properly once again. 

He'd forgotten this was the playlist Jisung helped him make -- back in their first few months of rooming together, Hyunjin could still remember the way reserved little Jisung had only recently started opening up to him. 

_ "You're making a playlist?" _

He could easily remember the timid way Jisung had asked to see his phone for a quick second, clicking on a certain song with an accomplished grin. 

Hyunjin had spared him a grin, leaning over to catch sight of his own phone.  _ "Who the hell are 'burnout syndromes' and why do I care about their Phoenix?" _

Jisung glanced sheepishly over at him, passing back the phone.  _ "You will." _

At the time, Hyunjin had rolled his eyes and continued adding songs, but now… now, all alone in a train car at night with the intent of overdosing under a bridge somewhere, he cared. He really did.

Because as the upbeat anime song pounded through his earbuds, Hyunjin found it difficult to  _ let go _ like he had before.

The song reminded him too much of all the times he spent with Jisung, wrapped up in blankets and squinting against the brightness of the laptop screen, or staying up way too late -- with full knowledge of their early class schedules the following day -- in favor of watching  _ one more episode _ .

Hyunjin scrambled for his phone and played the song again, afraid that the hopelessness would seep back into him the second it ended. He must've repeated it at least seven times by the time he knocked on a certain door, beyond exhausted.

He let a small chuckle pass his lips -- it was kind of hilarious _ ,  _ actually.  _ Jisung being a weeb is what saved him, for the moment _ .

Hyunjin rocked on his heels, hoping against hope that the door would just open -- that  _ someone _ would be there. As soon as he stumbled off the train, he'd reeled back and launched the patch, in all its druggie glory, down onto the rails. Seungmin's note was the last he saw disappearing into the darkness, and though a part of him longed to leap down into that void to retrieve it, he  _ couldn't _ .

Hwang Hyunjin may have been many things, but he wasn't about to give up just yet.

Maybe Jisung could sense that after he opened the door, hair mussed and still radiating the warm glow of sleep, fingers rubbing it from his eyes. They widened as soon as he saw who it was, and he hissed in pain, having poked himself in the eye. 

Despite all that happened, Hyunjin found his own creaky, exhausted laugh filling the silence. And Jisung smiled.

"You're back."

Hyunjin shrugged, unsure why exactly those words made him so emotional. "I'm.. getting there."

".... Come in," Jisung muttered, stepping back to allow him to pass. And then there were warm, comforting arms wrapping around him in a hug and leading him to the bed. "I bet you have a lot to tell, hm?"

Hyunjin's words were indistinguishable with exhaustion, and the second his head hit the pillow, his eyelids felt so very heavy. Somewhere in the distance -- the  _ warm, safe _ distance; so much different from the many times he'd passed out high -- Jisung's soft laughter surrounded him.

"Tomorrow, then."

Hyunjin liked the certainty.  _ Tomorrow. _

He wasn't happy --  _ happiness _ to him at the moment could only be associated with the synthetic high that accompanied many drugs, but… Hyunjin wanted to find out the true meaning behind the word, and that alone was enough,

Enough to get him to the tomorrow that Jisung spoke of.

Hyunjin fell into sleep with a tiny smile on his face, for the first time since stars had decorated his ceiling.

  
  
  


_ Changbin: _

_ Hey Hyunjin.. I know it was rude of me, and I shouldn't have listened to your message _

_ But I just want you to know that you're literally not alone, and I'm just a stranger with this Jeongin persons number ik but I'd like to help any way I can _

_ So please don't feel embarrassed or ashamed or do anything stupid, because I'd really like to get to know you more :D lmao if you even want, that is _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know all of your thoughts!! if you have any questions or anything. I actually wrote it all in 5 days so idk how well it flows or.. ✌️ I hope it met all of your expectations!
> 
> Btw if I had to choose one song off my writing playlist for this fic to best represent it, it'd be All for Us (yes from euphoria shhh) orrr Affection by Between Friends :3 also I literally love zendaya

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave feedback if you can!! I already have the entire thing written, I just need to know if anyone would wanna keep reading lol cuz this is really just a trial run ngl


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